The Club No One Wants to Belong To

Miscarriage rates in known pregnancies are roughly between 10-20%, meaning every 5th known pregnancy ends in a miscarriage. And while the stigma about and the silence around miscarriages are slowly vanishing, I still felt very much alone and vulnerable when it happened to me. That's why I've put together this article, hoping it will help you feel seen and less alone.

Experiencing a miscarriage is a devastating and deeply emotional journey for anyone who dreams of starting or expanding their family. The loss of a pregnancy can leave individuals and couples feeling overwhelmed, heartbroken, and unsure of how to move forward. While it's an incredibly challenging time, it's essential to remember that you are not alone.

Understanding the Emotional Rollercoaster

A miscarriage can trigger a wide range of emotions, from sadness, grief, and guilt to anger and confusion. It's important to remember that each person's reaction is unique, and there is no "right" way to feel during this time. It is entirely normal to experience a mix of emotions and to go through periods of intense sadness and moments of relative calm.

Seeking Support and Talking About It

One of the most crucial steps in healing from a miscarriage is to seek support from loved ones and professionals. Don't hesitate to share your feelings with your partner, friends, or family members. Talking openly about your experience can help validate your emotions and provide a safe space to express your grief. And remember: A miscarriage is never your fault.

If you find it challenging to confide in those close to you, consider reaching out to support groups or seeking the help of a therapist or other health-care provider experienced in dealing with pregnancy loss. These resources can offer understanding, guidance, and empathy during this difficult time.

Taking Time to Heal

The grieving process is different for everyone, and there is no set timeline for healing. It's essential to give yourself the time and space to process your emotions at your own pace. Allow yourself to mourn the loss and remember that healing takes time. Give yourself the time to nurse your broken heart.

Physical Health and Self-Care

During this period, it's crucial to focus on your physical health as well. If you know me, you know that being active plays a huge part in my life. After I miscarried, I took a step back and didn't work out for about 2 weeks. I then started going back to being physically active by going for longer walks and gentle yin yoga classes.

Keep in mind that there is no 'correct' timeframe. You need to do exactly what your body tells you to do, and most importantly, remember to practice self-care, which may involve rest, nourishing meals, gentle exercise, and engaging in activities that bring you comfort and joy.

Things Nothing can Prepare You For

We've all seen movies and/or TV shows where miscarriages take place. I was still completely blindsided by how painful a miscarriage is. You may read that it is like stronger period cramps, or that you can expect to bleed more heavily, but boy was I unprepared for what it is like in real life. Let me break it down for you:

• The pain: I'm one of the lucky few that don't experience period pains. So when it happened (and it got progressively worse during the first day), I was in tears. Not only because of the emotional pain of losing my baby, but also because it hurt. A lot.

• The blood: Let me get this straight: There is no way it even slightly resembles a heavier period. Expect to see a lot of blood, clots and basically the complete lining of your uterus. I will never be able to look at strawberry jam the same way. Keep in mind that during a miscarriage you are not supposed to use a menstrual cup or tampons, so this will be very confronting every time you have to go to the bathroom.

• The duration: For me, the cramps were gone after 3 days and then I still continued bleeding for about a week. Please also keep in mind that you will still experience pregnancy symptoms. This will take a while for them to go away again.

• The feelings: Every time I came across a pregnant woman, I thought 'This should be me'. It's crucial to accept the not-so-nice-feelings as well. It doesn't make you a bad person. I can be happy for others that are pregnant while at the same time be sad for myself and mourn my loss.

But the worst part for me after everything was over, was the feeling of being empty. Even though I was still early in my pregnancy, I had already felt this connection to my baby. If it had been up to me, I would've tried conceiving immediately again, just to fill this void. Fortunately, my partner said to wait at least a cycle to see how it goes: will it be regular again? Will there be any other issues I might run into? This helped me to see that right now, I'm not ready yet for trying again.

Holding Onto Hope for the Future

So how do you proceed after miscarrying? You will probably ask yourself when to decide to try to conceive again, while feeling anxious about it. Remember: There is no 'right' time to start.

A miscarriage does not define your ability to have a successful pregnancy in the future. Many people who have experienced a miscarriage go on to have healthy pregnancies and children. Holding onto hope and staying positive can play a vital role in your journey towards healing.

I wish for us all to experience carrying a pregnancy to full term and delivering a healthy baby. Sending you so much love and healing.

xo